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Back in my younger days, I aspired becoming one of those under the school’s limelight. Gifted with artistic abilities, my on stage potential were cloaked under the sheets of a deprived self-esteem. Dark clouds covered the bright personality of a kid wanting to spread some cheers to his folks and friends. Yet even fate disagreed to let this child bloom, instead, fears came and enclosed it with shame unexposed from the curious eyes of the people around him.

There were also occasional events that I participated in, just like joining the speech chorale during the sixth grade. I think our section even bagged the 1st prize of that contest. There were also these dances and song interpretations I cooperated with during the annual school intramurals in grade school and high school. I was even singing with the glee club during rehearsals and every first Friday mass. I didn’t last long in the choir. Singing is my frustration because I have a good voice but I must admit that I can’t carry a tune that well. The videoke singers are far better than me.

Third year came, I went hiatus from my stay in creme section which was from the fourth grade until second year high school; I went to a lower section. Esteem was boosted a bit by teachers’ trust and fellow students’ thought of me being superior to them. During the science quiz bee, I even came second. None of those made me an airhead, it just brought my confidence higher than the usual. A year staying in the lower section widened my horizon of a real high school. It was lighter unlike creme section where each student struggle for perfection and competition which eventually put the inferiors buried alive with shame and defeat from the antagonizing intellectuals; discrimination.

Fate brought me back to the creme section during my fourth year. “Not again”, I thought. Confidence and a laidback attitude defended me from those discriminating nerds, geeks and gay bullies. I even shouted “Yey!” during the distribution of report cards when I found a 70 something mark in the statistics class. Grades were no biggie to me, I was just mindful of my parents comments and approval of course. Being weird and different, I defied the norms of the class. I was also blessed with great friends who were also not heedful much of the competition but just striving to have good grades.

Organizations of the school theater and school paper attracted me at the last year of my high school. My guts were not enough to step on stage so I turned my application to the school papers instead. Palakasan and politics stopped my aspirations to become a writer of the school’s chronicle. Knowing my classmates as the school paper’s officers, I knew they would just forbid me to hold a pen and write for them. They were trained to become assholes at the early stage.

The College of Fine Arts suited me well in college. People here were more expressive, and they were weirder than I thought. All else was wearing black while I was more fond of fashionable and light colored oufits; different once again. Luckily, differences were acceptable at this point and stereotype ideas were often rejected. I belonged and embraced this world of artists and designers, and I was whole once again. The monster was unleashed from his barred prison. Fame may not spark from the former shy kid but there’s a quiet confidence exudes his persona. A thought even helped me to accept my uniqueness and build self assurance.

Bakit ako mahihiya wala naman akong ginagawang masama.

Turning 24 soon, I still have a lot of aspirations. There are still dreams I strive to achieve or at least experience. Being on stage, on TV or the catwalk are still in my mindset, yet my guts is not enough to audition to any of these, perhaps there are still mild insecurities. Self-esteem may not be soaring high but I’m working on it so that someday I can walk barenaked on the streets… Okay not barenaked, that’s ridiculous and outrageously disgusting.

If my guts is overpowering, I am a pornstar by now.

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5 Comments

  1. OMG! You’re turning 24?!?! Shet. You are so old na pala. LOL. Just kidding.

    I’ve been in the creme section from Grade 5 – 4th year. Yes, competitive ang ganung scenario, but it actually helped me in my studies. Of course it’s pressure dahil your teachers expect a lot from you, pero being in the pilot section taught me kung paano maging responsable at disiplinado sa pag-aaral.

    Hindi ko mararating kung nasan ako ngayon kundi ako naging geek or nerd nung high school. Haha!

  2. bwhahha, astig talaga mag reminisce sa past… haaay

    ehehh sa school namin walang creme sections, so la discrimination sa skills and talents… ayun la lang ehehe

  3. Jhed,
    24 is not that old, sige ka pagdating mo ng 24 tatawagin ka na ring matanda ng mas bata sa iyo.

    Heneroso,
    Wow, lucky for you that there’s no discrimination in your school, and your school is coed to, right?

  4. Wow. I experienced some of those, especially that part where you were dropped out from the creme section, and well, you know the rest. I don’t know why that’s always the case when it comes to pilot sections. Discrimination, assholes, politics, blah.

    You’re turning 24?! Advance happy birthday, then. Kelan ang birthday?

  5. Yna,
    Birthday?! You’ll know!


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