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After a few days in Bicol, I was then happy. Few days later, my emotions has gone miserable, gone sad, and felt like I am in oblivion. I felt insecurity, seeing my friends having done some improvements in their life, while I, still on the grounds I’m standing, seeing that I haven’t achieved anything. Will I stay this way? No, I won’t, and I have stopped procastinating for I have made the slightest improvement for myself, or have I? Why can’t I achieve something in mind? Why doesn’t my fate follow? Seeing my friends in their flashy gadgets makes me feel worthless because I can’t get one for myself. I can’t even offer something for my parents. Yes, I’m looking down on myself now. I may be seem confident and happy outside, but deep within this is killing me. Having no one to rely on except God and for myself with this dreadful emotion makes me more helpless. For I have no siblings to talk with and play with, for my friends will be there for me but I don’t want to disturb, and for my parents may listen but won’t understand me because of our age gaps. I can’t even ask my relatives in foreign countries for the things that I always wanted because I don’t want to be a burden and it’s even a shameful thing to do. I am killing myself with insecurity. I’ve seen myself left alone in the middle of the road. I am always unfortunate with my destiny, I sometimes imagine "Am I cursed?" I even graduated or rather finshed my studies later than expected. I didn’t make it to the graduation march. I finished without marching and hearing the sounds of a true graduate. If only God will pour all the good fortunes on me, I am thankful. I am thankful to our Lord even for the slightest changes in my life, what’s more if there’s bigger development. I am optimistic about that because God’s grace will pour on the right time… which I hope is now.

Another thing that bothers me is my lovelife. I don’t have any. And I’m wanting it now. It feels empty in here. Talking uninspired, unmotivated and incomplete. Whenever I’m hearing love stories from Joe D’Mango or even from a friend, I always love to hear it. Even if it’s complicated, I wanted to have one. Love is a thrill ride, an adventure to explore and an experience for the young and pure. I envy those who have loved, loved or being loved by now, for they have one of the moment of their life. Unlike me, I haven’t courted a girl until now. Sad, but true. Though I have someone in mind right now. I dont even know if this girl truly exists, if she’s the girl what she says to be. Or maybe she’s one of the girls created to fool someone in the internet. We haven’t met yet even in the slightest errands we could have. I doubt her existence. Is she the real girl I know here in the net or through my cellphone? I just wish she will not lie to me. Is she the one that I see in her friendster profile? I’m looking forward to meet her for me to believe. Just to prove that she is what she says she is because I’m falling for a girl I haven’t seen personally and whose existence is beyond doubt and suspicion.

I feel so desperate not having achieved anything right now. I may speak so desperately now, but it’s because I’m vulnerable right now. I feel sorry and miserable. I feel worthless. If only I could have achieved or done something that I can see as an improvement of my life, maybe then I could regain my positive outlook in life. Although I envy my friends for they have done a step for themselves, I do know they still have greater goals in life, and as always I’m here to support them to achieve those dreams. Anybody’s life, including mine, is incomparative to anyone. But there will still be a moment in us that we like to compareone thing to another.  An egotistic behavior of men. I don’t want to compare my life to anyone, because I have another way to achieve mine. Though slow and much painful, one thing, I’ll reach that goal. And that goal is for me to be complete!

P.S. I’m not promoting Centrum Ad, OK!


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